It has been brought to my attention of late that classical music is being somewhat derided for its stuffy, old fashioned and somewhat pompous appearance, with claims that it is all the same. I would like to point out to you, dear and valued reader, that the persons perpetrating this view are those whose “fave” bands struggle to spell their own name correctly and suffer from serious, possibly even contagious retardation.
placed in the amphitheatre and beset by rather peckish wild beasts
I am here to weigh up the values of both sides of this argument as impartially as I can... I profess I should be a fraud if I tried such an exercise. I am a staunch supporter of classical music and one of those people who would quite enjoy seeing all modern artists rounded up, placed in the amphitheatre and beset by rather peckish wild beasts, who are in quite an irate mood as they have been forced to listen to the “Black Eyed Peas” and their amusingly titled album “Elephunk”.
The first point of argument surrounding classical music is that it is all “from stock”; for those of you out there with difficulties of a mental persuasion, this means it is all the same. I beg to differ; classical music is no such thing – each piece is individually crafted by the hands of the composer whose marvelous mind conceived the idea and whose genius gave birth to and nurtured it into a well rounded and emotive piece.
Pray tell, readers, which modern bands or artists can claim to do such a thing? I may confidently sit here, smug grin adorning my face and say “none”. They sit there, come up with lyrics which, if you cut the repeating lines out, are at least a quarter shorter; include in this butchery the removal of the heart of modern music, vocal sounds such as “ohhhhohhhhh” and “mmmmmm”, and it would resemble a vegetarian steak pie – all crust and no filling.
a dance beat, techno beat or even a good beating
Here we must comment on the length of the music and the frequency with which tracks are released, and by tracks I mean new tracks – not the same piece reworked with a dance beat, techno beat or even a good beating. Artists at present struggle to turn out anything over four minutes in length, and I am being generous there. They also struggle to turn out any great quantity of music in their careers. I use as my example of genius Ludwig van Beethoven, the writer of 9 symphonies, 7 concertos, 17 string quartets, 32 piano sonatas, 10 sonatas for violin and piano, 5 sonatas for cello and piano, an opera, 2 masses, several overtures, and numerous sets of piano variations, and all before getting progressively more deaf and dying at the age of 57; his 3rd symphony was over an hour of pure uninterrupted music. My message goes out to all modern artists who find the three and a half minute barrier a challenge: don't consider yourself an artist until you can take up the yoke of a true artist. He had no electronic aids to enhance his works and he wrote all of it, for the strings, brass, percussion and woodwind, without hearing it played on more than a piano in his apartments.
In reference to the words to classical music, it is true that classical composers often outsourced when it came to writing the libretto, commonly because operas are written in German or Italian and masses in Latin and it would be simply too much to expect the composer to be fluent in all the languages of Europe as well as writing works of art. Especially when the likes of Schubert can complete an entire symphony in a week, yes you read correctly, over an hour of music (all new, none of this compilation or cutting and pasting) in one week.
hastily fetched a revolver and put it out of its misery
I will take off my hat, yes I shall conform to the stereotype here and wear a hat, specifically for the purpose of taking it off to those artists who can profess to writing all their own music, performing it live and without need for electronic enhancements, and no, shouty screamy people like Marilyn Manson and his legions of suicidal and depressed followers do not count, especially after seeing Jools Holland on telly the other evening and seeing a so-called musician of the rock genre barrel into the drum kit, knocking it all over, and then falling to the floor still screaming some incomprehensible racket while convulsing in what I can only describe as a manner offensive to those who suffer from epilepsy and other convulsion-based ailments; had I seen an animal making such a noise and acting in such a manner I would have come to the conclusion it was in the very throes of death and hastily fetched a revolver and put it out of its misery.
So in conclusion, only attack a musical genre when you know you have more firepower than they have (and no, fans of 50 Cent, that doesn't mean literally a 9mm to “bust a cap in yo ass”); and the classical genre is like America – gunned up the eyeballs and not scared to use it. Beethoven would take up one of his scores and use it as tinder to ensure Blazin' Squad literally are blazing, while at the same time Mascagni would have throttled Madonna after beating her soundly about her head with the score to Cavalleria Rusticana until the blood doth flow from her ears.
drive thy neighbour mad with thy godawful music
I am now going to buy in my caviar, order my tuxedo, tell the butler we need more cognac and prepare to watch Die Fledermaus on Christmas Day; I advise you all to join me, it's an amusing slapstick comedy, with impersonations and personal entrapments. I assume that by now I have lost those people who actually attack classical music due to their IQ being lower than my shoe size (size 11 if you must know) and their attention span being the length of one of their idols' songs; therefore this sentiment goes out to those of you intelligent enough to know the dangers of such things as flying with Sleazyjet or the other airbuses of the apocalypse, and would enjoy a quiet afternoon with something more cultural than “Wizard of Oz” on the telly. I leave you, reader, with a thought for the day: we've transported convicts to godforsaken reaches of the earth for less – are not these artists breaking some kind of law of humanity? The Bible clearly says on its tissue-like pages “love thy neighbour”, not “drive thy neighbour mad with thy godawful music until he breaketh the commandment ‘thou shalt not kill’”.
Published 2003-12-22
© The Twaddle MMIII